Good Evening –
This entry may not be a great one, but I just know I was so excited to go the quilting retreat, then to leave early in tears because I was unwanted, not liked, I tried so hard to control my anxiety. I could not.
You would think people who graduated from highschool over 50 years ago would be matured up. Now I just know my in laws are going to go next year which is fine, and maybe a friend of mine, and I am not able to go because well, they wouldn’t let me claim my spot nor did I have good terms with them.
I don’t belong at work – there are a couple people who likes me or tolerates me, but I see judgemental looks fairly daily and I get so anxious because I think they are talking about me. I am just a background there maybe?
I have family members who loves me yes, but my side does not do much family functions and I keep in touch with my parents, that’s basically it, growing up I just always left the gathering they never notice me leaving, I was that deaf girl in there while everyone talked, and now they don’t do any functions
in school with friends / “Friends” I was that fat girl no one wanted, and I was not hear nor did I belong with the deafies while I am profound deaf, but because I wore hearing aids I had oral skills – my mom felt that I need that in the future to survive in this hearing world. for years I felt they were my friends, but I was always rejected.
I am 34 years old, I am still a reject – jobs didn’t want me because I am deaf, I do work at a place to help the community and non profit and I love it – but my co workers well, like I said a couple likes me, and some tolerates me, there are some people who makes snide jokes and they are not funny, I get discriminated on a regular bases and I do not take lying down but I get black listed by them because they get in trouble for standing up for myself.
I am a reject among others, in public because I talk funny, I am a reject in some of my family members because I work hard to try to talk to them to get squat, I am rejected by my “friends” in reality after the whole pain issue I went down to a handful of friends which is fine. I am a reject everywhere I go.
a lot of the time I am the person who puts on a smile on my face & wear a mask, this time, I am not. now my fear is to go to work tomorrow, and face people and I do not want to, times like this, I just want to hide.
How do you handle your life in a rejection? why is it okay to reject others?
I just know that I CRAVE to belong anywhere, to be wanted, and I am not wanted half the time. I am a person who works – that is how I am viewed.
Here is to a new week, I hope I can put on my mask tomorrow