positive

Who deserves you and your friendship

Good Morning Loves,

It has been a while since I have updated, I have been in a huge amount of pain, but now that I had the depo shot once again, it helped a lot on the pain, its much tolerable. Sunday I had a emotional breakdown, I got tired of reaching out to people and not being heard after years of me hearing them, and being there for them, but I also know a lot of them are introverts, I am not.  So in 1 month and 7 days, I have a surgery, and my plan after that, I have started this process already, stop reaching out to others that are non responsive. My best friend told me how If I have to keep reaching out, and if it makes me feel this bad, and I put so much effort into the friendship to get so little effort back, they do not deserve my friendship, shes right. the sad part, for friendship, I guess I could really say I have less than 5 to be able to confine in, but that’s a blessing. I am a naturally a social butterfly, does not mean I share everything to everyone. Things happen for a reason.

I love my friends do not get me wrong, but I do have to surround myself with positive people, that is what my shrink said. I know that would help a ton. I managed to delete so many people off my phone their numbers / contact information, which I have no contact with for so long, including negative people. I know I deserve so much more.

Yesterday this older man who just had a back surgery and is in the wheel chair til later this year, I said to him at work:

Morning! (he smiles) today is going to be an awesome day!

yes today will be an awesome day, because you are here

of course I swooned, I mean how can I not?! then hes all like “dance your way back to work” because I was just being silly and goofy. it inspire people and smiles can be so infectious while some I have to deal with who has black clouds over their heads ALL the time, as they have no hope. that is really sad. it is so difficult to be around people who speaks of nothing but negative. You mention something good they manage to drag it down.

The question you need to ask yourself – who deserves YOUR friendship?

I have to go wake my son up – poor guy 545 am.

❤ Amber

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Casual

Living with the pain

Good Afternoon Loves!

I was doing some reading online about adenomyosis once again, but it keeps linking to endometriosis, however I found a helpful link, if anyone was interested – source

Family, friends and compassion fatigue

Knowing what to share and not share

When you’re first diagnosed, a very wide range of people will show some obvious concern for you leading up to diagnosis. As time goes on though and years pass, many people expect improvement, for you to get better, and for the pain to have gone away.

So our struggle with endometriosis isn’t just a lack of awareness of this disease, but a wider lack of appreciation about chronic illness.

To some people around you, you’ll inadvertently become a reminder of illness and mortality no matter what you do. Generally speaking, people don’t like to dwell on these topics, so it becomes uncomfortable listening for them.

“There are many terrible things about illness; the lack of empathy hurts the most.”
– Havi Carel

So talking about endometriosis becomes a careful balancing act. Establishing how much to share with the people around you, based on a number of factors:

  • How well they know you
  • How comfortable you are talking to them about it
  • How honest you can be about how you’re feeling
  • How uncomfortable they’re likely to get if you share too much
  • How much pain you’re in

There are no easy answers with this issue, but in time you start to get a better understanding of who can and will listen to whatever you want to share, and people who very much suffer with their own sort of compassion fatigue.

Taking about it too much?

Endometriosis has a way of making you realize who your real friends are. Regardless of how positive we can be, realistically it has become a part of our lives, shaping our identity. Endometriosis bleeds into every part of our lives. How easily we can work, how easily we form and maintain relationships and how we think and act. It effects everything.

Some days it’s impossible not to talk about. We do everything we can to ignore it and feign a level of normality. So most of the time endometriosis has a way of making me more candid. Life (and by proxy) time has become too precious. Some people may complain about hearing about it too much, but on these days I remind myself we do not get a break from this illness, so on those days only my patience saves anyone else from my burden.

The hardest moments of sharing

The trickiest moment is when someone asks us how you are. In time again, you come to know who asks you unconditionally (who genuinely wants to know) and those who only asks to ease into conversation, judge your response carefully. If in doubt, share a brief detail and move on quickly. I rattle out “I can’t complain” constantly, it’s ambiguous enough for someone to take the meaning they want away from the conversation without an outright lie.

It does remain hard to stay quiet sometimes. Impossibly hard. All around you there are healthy, capable people complaining about flippant aspects of their life, problems you wished you could shoulder rather than the ones you had.

On those days I urge you to try think back and remember a time before endometriosis. When you went through life without baggage or worries, you simply were. It’s no ones fault that we have this illness, while shouldn’t wish illness upon anyone – take comfort from the fact that in time everyone around you will understand and empathise more.

This will happen partly through you raising awareness of endometriosis and other chronic illnesses, but also because of the fallibility and frailty of the human body. At the start of life we feel invincible, and as we grow older we become more aware of our limitations. As endometriosis sufferers we have a wisdom far beyond our years.

In time, others will realise that this isn’t something that will necessarily get better, and they will change their focus from trying to make you well to just supporting you unconditionally. These people are the people to hold onto for dear life.

Because illness is a part of life, as natural as living, breathing or dying. It’s something we all face at different points in life, for different stretches, as such we shouldn’t be ashamed of talking about it.

I thought this was something it should be shared, world wide. I know there are so many people around me that does not understand, I know my husband looks at me, and he feels bad that I am in pain, when I try to explain my pain I get “I feel you, I am getting my period too, it sucks” I do not know how many times I felt that I was so unheard! I wanted to throw my phone, I held in my rage more and more I got tired of hearing about other people’s complains, its like be THANKFUL for living your life, I cant live mine! that is the feeling I would have – lately I have been so distance from my friends, they just do not get it. I don’t think they ever will, nor do they want to. I end up asking about them, and show them how well I care for their well being. The more I try to talk about it, the more I feel like they get annoyed with it. Then we go weeks without talking. There are a few people who are willing to listen to me, they care about my well being. It comes to the point at work that I just want to hide – I get “at least you do not have to worry about losing your job over…” I would look at my co-worker and say “I have been missing SO much work, I am worried” it was just pushed aside, people at work SEES me in pain, I cannot hide it anymore, I try so hard, I gave up, It took over me. I am still waiting for a surgery.

I lost friends when I moved out of my moms house into with my boyfriend (who is husband now), I lost more when I got married, Lost more when I got a full time job, Lost even more after having John, and now I am slowly losing more, I do not have alot of friends, while I am a social butterfly (not these days) I know I am losing them to this disease – they will move on.

This blog is a mood downer, but I am putting my feelings on this, I feel like I am so done fighting, I have been battling this for over a year. I just want to cry and hide. I do not know what to do these days. I wish I knew.

Have a good evening, be grateful for everything you have, I know I am even how depressed & hurt I am, I still am grateful even when I cannot carry my son anymore – hes my whole world.

❤ Amber

 

Casual

Clay Mask / weekend

Good Evening Loves,

What a weekend – right now at the end, almost 6 pm, I am showered, and having this clay mask on, I could tell you the first time I tried it was around Christmas time, and I was freaking out because I could not move my face. it was the weirdest thing for me, I ended up texting my friends, they said it was completely normal. Now, doing while disciplining my 3 year old son, that is a challenge because I cannot make a expression, and I am not even sure if he takes it seriously. Now I am doing it once or twice a week, and I think it has been good for my pores. It is amazing after starting in July / August wearing makeup now I cannot leave the house without makeup on, it feels weird, today I went to go visit my grandparents / parents, and I did not wear make up, but it felt weird, I felt naked.

I was not in much pain today, I felt better, yesterday on the other hand, I felt like I was dying, and I had to make cookies, went to red robins for a birthday celebration. some people do not want me to “withdrawal” from life / miss out, but how can I miss out when I have to cancel about every time? What is the point to make plans? I keep missing so much work, I am still waiting for the date of the surgery, I am nervous, but I am trying so hard to keep everything together, it is getting harder and harder, I am tempted to cancel the surgery due to money wise too. Just a typical non busy weekend

Enjoy your sunday evening

❤ Amber

Casual

Knitting / benefits

grandmas-dishcloth

 

Hello loves –

2 entries in one day! 🙂 Just been thinking about some things – one of them was the dishcloth, the photo attached is the dishcloth I make when I am sitting down watching TV, Road trips (longer than 20 min car ride), at work talking to people during breaks, even when I am reading (normally doing break times) I had bind off a bunch of dishrags I previously made, and added it to the box of stash, for Christmas I handed them out I had a bag, maybe 20 some with 3 tied together various of colors, it is simple, easy to make, some uses it for their faces, some uses it as dish rags, I do not know who does not use them – but if they don’t they have not said anything to me, but if I known they do not want or use them, I would not give them out to them. Not because they don’t “deserve” them, but it is a waste of space, time and money for those not to be enjoyed.

I saw how many I had, ready to be tied together (waiting to get more colors since most are the same) there was about 25, and I could not help to wonder, is it even helping me at all? with my anxiety, my self esteem or my pain? as a coping method. I even take it to my therapy sessions, I do not have to look on it, for one, it takes about a movie & half length, so about 3 hours for one. I hope I am not wasting my time or money for this.  I am building a stash once again for Christmas & birthdays –

One day I hope to be able to sew again, I have not touched my sewing machine (AKA Mista J) in about 2 some months.

Source: https://health.usnews.com/wellness/articles/2016-11-17/7-health-reasons-to-take-up-knitting

Enjoy:

Still need a reason to try your hand at the craft? Therapeutic knitters say you might especially benefit if:

  1. You feel helpless.

One of the first things Maynard did when her husband was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer was to visit the yarn shop. The hobby saw her through many hours in hospital waiting rooms. “It helped me feel productive at times when I otherwise didn’t feel productive because I was ‘sitting around,'” she says. Her organization, Project Knitwell, has helped facilitate that feeling among parents of sick children, too.

  1. You’re stressed.

Meditation can be hard – especially if you’re dealing with health problems. “Your brain doesn’t feel like learning anything new when it’s highly stressed or in pain or when it’s depressed,” Corkhill says. Knitting, by contrast, is easy. “It seems a meditative-like state seems to happen as a natural side effect of the rhythmic movements of knitting,” she says. A survey she conducted in partnership with Cardiff University in Wales of more than 3,500 knitters worldwide found that the more frequently they knit, the calmer and happier they felt.

 

  1. You’re anxious.

The way knitters must arrange their arms – in a sort of protective arch in front of their bodies – creates a safe zone that can be particularly comforting for people who have anxiety problems, Corkhill says. She’s even helped people cure panic attacks by teaching them to take out their knitting whenever they start to feel anxiety rising. “If you combine that instantaneous sense of calm with portability, then you’ve actually got a really powerful tool,” she says. Eventually, anxiety-prone folks can learn to merely visualize themselves knitting to achieve the same effects.

  1. You’re down in the dumps.

If your aim is happiness – not, say, to create a Christmas gift – make sure you pick yarn that feels good to the touch and, ideally, that’s one of your favorite colors. “Touch elicits an emotional response, and touching something good makes you feel good,” says Corkhill, whose survey also found that the yarn’s texture matters twice as much as color when it comes to improving mood.

  1. You’re lonely.

In addition to helping her feel productive, Maynard, whose husband died a couple of years ago, appreciated how knitting in hospital waiting rooms served as a social lubricant among patients’ loved ones and hospital staff alike. “If I pulled out my knitting, people would actually make eye contact and begin to talk,” she says. Social knitting groups also seem to facilitate more meaningful conversation than, say, sitting around for tea, since the mental energy it takes to knit reduces knitters’ tendency to self-monitor, Corkhill says.

  1. You have chronic pain.

Corkhill wasn’t surprised to read that first letter about knitting’s pain-relieving effects; qualitative research has supported it. Since the brain causes the experience of pain when it perceives fear, knitting can help reduce that sense of fear and increase the sense of safety, Corkhill says. The sense of success can also release feel-good chemicals in the brain that dull or inhibit the sense of pain, she says.

  1. You need a confidence boost.

Save for people with medical limitations, almost anyone who dedicates a little time and effort to it can learn how to knit – an achievement that, like learning any new skill, can fire off the brain’s reward circuit and inspire people to take on other challenges, Corkhill says. “[Knitting] instills confidence, it reduces fear, it reduces worry,” she says. “It makes people feel worthwhile again.”

 

Have a great Friday Afternoon!

❤ Amber

Casual

Friendship

Morning Loves –

 

Friendship is the topic today, I read another blogger that I follow, and made a good point. Here is the link if you want to view: https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/49689215/posts/2131606711

This quote was said: “A friend is a gift you give yourself.” ~Robert Louis Stevenson

He wrote After a lifetime of self verbal abuse, this form of toxic self-talk becomes an automatic reaction to anything we perceive as a failure. Who needs enemies when we have this type of internal dialogue?”

He brought up a good point, there is that *one* friend, who I call my best friend, she is my sister by heart, and she will always be so. I dedicate  this post to her.

This person has N E V E R judged me, EVER, not once, if she did, I never knew it, but never shown it, for that I am forever grateful. I love how in the past while I am so emotional and dramatic at times, she allowed me do the yelling and she took it, while others she made sure she had to make them happy, I never understood why, it is hard when you want to be liked by so many people, or even worry about what they feel for you, I do not know why she did that, but I hated how people too advantage of her, she is such a good person, she is my other half – not in a romantic way, but she’s just amazing.

In the past, me being deaf, also been oral as well, I was always taught “I have to work twice as hard to survive in the hearing world” and that is true. My friend I speak of, she never made me feel lessen of a human being, while others I felt my “friends” they weren’t, I was not accepted by the hearing, nor was I deaf, but she was the ONLY one who believed me – that I was PROFOUND deaf, I could not hear. While my deaf friends they all had more hearing than I did, but I was always rejected, and never wanted to be on my side for anything. They probably didn’t realize it, but I am not going to tell them now, I am not in touch with them, but because of them, I was hurt all the time, I felt AWFUL about myself, I was not liked for me. I did take a lot of abuse.

I feel bad that since I had my son, things went down hill on everything, I fell in such deep depression, my friends would be concerned & I didn’t always treat them with respect, I don’t think I did, but I ended up apologizing regardless, they understood. But we do not talk often anymore these days, who knows, maybe because of my actions.

I was diagnosed with:

Severe depression with psychotic features

Psychosis

Severe anxiety

I just discovered some personality disorder as well, I am not sure how I feel about that. These were diagnoses while I was very mentally ill – maybe I am still am.

There are so few I could talk to, but that one – just that ONE she never judged me. We didn’t have anything to do with each other for a while, she was going on with her own things – personal things, and I had my own. Now we are both in a better place. I got rid of the toxic. I rather have things to do with just her and a few other people than a ton of people to talk to. I do not have a lot of people I associate with, but it just seems like only the one or two person understand why I would “flake out” while I have my pains. No one wants to hear the constant complaining, and I am not going to encourage that behavior of myself.

 

There are so few of those that really care about me for ME not for what I am, or could be. I am forever grateful for those who has inspired me. Sometimes I sit back and wonder, how did I get so lucky? I have this one friend who she used to be my interpreter – we are talking 20+ year gap, as I got older, I think it wasn’t til I was in my mid 20s I started seeing her, and we became friends, I enjoy her company & she has so many to share, and I cherish her so, from being that immature teen in highschool that never paid attention and just annoyed the crap out of her, to having to be one of my closes girlfriends. I am surprised she even gave me a chance after all that, she seemed to be so laid back when it comes to “flaking out” if only there was more people that could be so understanding like her, and not feel bad about canceling. These days I do try to avoid making plans because now I am day by day basis. She’s also another person who I do not feel anxious to be around.

Sitting here, I could list a whole lot of things I feel lucky and who’s in my life, some are in my life and I want them there, but some I have to put a mask on. I do not know why I do that – maybe I have to be the bubbly one to keep things together. That is what I am known for. Yesterday with the pains I had, being at home and not working, I actually felt and think – believed that I made so many people happy for not being at work, sometimes I feel that way just not being out and about, because I know I am annoying, but that is the depression talking. I know with my pains, it is getting harder and harder to hide. I tried to talk to people then I end up comforting them. Sometimes I get compared to as well, then I sympathize them. It just weird world out there

This blog is friendship – there are so many rules people THINK what a friend is. I remember this one gal, I tried helping her so much when she was in a bad abusive relationship – I didn’t see her much after getting married, she ended up calling me a fake friend after EVERYTHING we did for her (my husband, my family and myself) because I was still grieving over the loss of my brother. But like I said for relationships, every couples has their own rules it works for them, the same for friendships. There are a handful of people I really consider a friend, but how they feel about me? I won’t know, but I just hope the handful of friends I have feels the same as I feel for them.

I know I am a good person, I know everyone who are in my life are wonderful people.

 

I’d love to hear your thoughts on friendship, what makes you a friend?

 

Have a wonderful Friday!

 

❤ Amber

 

Casual · positive

LOVE

 

Good Morning Loves!

I bought the daily positive calendar for work, so today’s Love you to the Moon & the girl next to it – is the old navy sweater I have bought on black Friday sale online, and I was SO iffy to keep it, I almost returned it, I am glad I didn’t. I looked at the sweater today, and I was thinking it would be perfect for valentines day, but with the upcoming surgery I do not know if I would be at work for it, So I put it on, and I came in today took yesterday’s off “I can and I will” I laughed so much & I smiled, I know I am loved as I love others. Some thinks I peeked, but I didn’t.

Hope your day is going well 🙂 Have a wonderful day!

 

❤ Amber