Casual

Friendship

Morning Loves –

 

Friendship is the topic today, I read another blogger that I follow, and made a good point. Here is the link if you want to view: https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/49689215/posts/2131606711

This quote was said: “A friend is a gift you give yourself.” ~Robert Louis Stevenson

He wrote After a lifetime of self verbal abuse, this form of toxic self-talk becomes an automatic reaction to anything we perceive as a failure. Who needs enemies when we have this type of internal dialogue?”

He brought up a good point, there is that *one* friend, who I call my best friend, she is my sister by heart, and she will always be so. I dedicate  this post to her.

This person has N E V E R judged me, EVER, not once, if she did, I never knew it, but never shown it, for that I am forever grateful. I love how in the past while I am so emotional and dramatic at times, she allowed me do the yelling and she took it, while others she made sure she had to make them happy, I never understood why, it is hard when you want to be liked by so many people, or even worry about what they feel for you, I do not know why she did that, but I hated how people too advantage of her, she is such a good person, she is my other half – not in a romantic way, but she’s just amazing.

In the past, me being deaf, also been oral as well, I was always taught “I have to work twice as hard to survive in the hearing world” and that is true. My friend I speak of, she never made me feel lessen of a human being, while others I felt my “friends” they weren’t, I was not accepted by the hearing, nor was I deaf, but she was the ONLY one who believed me – that I was PROFOUND deaf, I could not hear. While my deaf friends they all had more hearing than I did, but I was always rejected, and never wanted to be on my side for anything. They probably didn’t realize it, but I am not going to tell them now, I am not in touch with them, but because of them, I was hurt all the time, I felt AWFUL about myself, I was not liked for me. I did take a lot of abuse.

I feel bad that since I had my son, things went down hill on everything, I fell in such deep depression, my friends would be concerned & I didn’t always treat them with respect, I don’t think I did, but I ended up apologizing regardless, they understood. But we do not talk often anymore these days, who knows, maybe because of my actions.

I was diagnosed with:

Severe depression with psychotic features

Psychosis

Severe anxiety

I just discovered some personality disorder as well, I am not sure how I feel about that. These were diagnoses while I was very mentally ill – maybe I am still am.

There are so few I could talk to, but that one – just that ONE she never judged me. We didn’t have anything to do with each other for a while, she was going on with her own things – personal things, and I had my own. Now we are both in a better place. I got rid of the toxic. I rather have things to do with just her and a few other people than a ton of people to talk to. I do not have a lot of people I associate with, but it just seems like only the one or two person understand why I would “flake out” while I have my pains. No one wants to hear the constant complaining, and I am not going to encourage that behavior of myself.

 

There are so few of those that really care about me for ME not for what I am, or could be. I am forever grateful for those who has inspired me. Sometimes I sit back and wonder, how did I get so lucky? I have this one friend who she used to be my interpreter – we are talking 20+ year gap, as I got older, I think it wasn’t til I was in my mid 20s I started seeing her, and we became friends, I enjoy her company & she has so many to share, and I cherish her so, from being that immature teen in highschool that never paid attention and just annoyed the crap out of her, to having to be one of my closes girlfriends. I am surprised she even gave me a chance after all that, she seemed to be so laid back when it comes to “flaking out” if only there was more people that could be so understanding like her, and not feel bad about canceling. These days I do try to avoid making plans because now I am day by day basis. She’s also another person who I do not feel anxious to be around.

Sitting here, I could list a whole lot of things I feel lucky and who’s in my life, some are in my life and I want them there, but some I have to put a mask on. I do not know why I do that – maybe I have to be the bubbly one to keep things together. That is what I am known for. Yesterday with the pains I had, being at home and not working, I actually felt and think – believed that I made so many people happy for not being at work, sometimes I feel that way just not being out and about, because I know I am annoying, but that is the depression talking. I know with my pains, it is getting harder and harder to hide. I tried to talk to people then I end up comforting them. Sometimes I get compared to as well, then I sympathize them. It just weird world out there

This blog is friendship – there are so many rules people THINK what a friend is. I remember this one gal, I tried helping her so much when she was in a bad abusive relationship – I didn’t see her much after getting married, she ended up calling me a fake friend after EVERYTHING we did for her (my husband, my family and myself) because I was still grieving over the loss of my brother. But like I said for relationships, every couples has their own rules it works for them, the same for friendships. There are a handful of people I really consider a friend, but how they feel about me? I won’t know, but I just hope the handful of friends I have feels the same as I feel for them.

I know I am a good person, I know everyone who are in my life are wonderful people.

 

I’d love to hear your thoughts on friendship, what makes you a friend?

 

Have a wonderful Friday!

 

❤ Amber

 

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